Lisa_4.8











{February 14, 2009}   #224

It’s been a while.

I’m writing because I’d like to be able to watch Pixar’s “Wall-e”.

Funny thing to want, but there you are.

Now, to stop speculation before it starts, I’ve actually hired the movie, and bought an (ex-rental) copy.

So, you might say, why don’t you stick it in your DVD player, sit back and enjoy?

Well, my DVD player is a Mac Mini, that’s why. It’s a really nice centralised system — with a 20 inch Apple screen — which has hitherto been able to play everything I wanted it to. Except a Goldfrapp CD (”Black Cherry” from memory. That got sold at a garage sale a year ago and I bought the album on iTunes instead. I think that experience resulted in a rant discussion about the merits of Digital Rights Management, Copy Protection and which particular orifice these should be stuffed into.)

What I object to the most is being treated like a thief.

I’ve paid my money for a copy of this movie, completely legitimately. I’ve even hired the movie from a DVD rental place. Legitimate use I’d call that.

Yet, my system, purchased at great expense, is unable to play the disc. The disc has been set-up NOT to conform to the DVD standard, and has effectively broken the DVD for use on this kind of system.

What the funniest thing about all of this is that it’s legitimate users that are targeted by copy protection. No, that’s actually ironic – the fact that the people who are happy to do the right thing and hand their hard-earned money over for a real-live copy of a movie that’s been produced by a movie studio (and in the aforementioned CD example, by a music studio — in that case I think it was Sony, whose stock in the music-listening-community must surely have reached rock-bottom by now) get penalised for having a particular style of system.

In fact, this attitude plays right into the hands of the pirates, for what’s a person to do – they want to purchase the movie and it’s broken. They’re prepared to hire the movie and it won’t play. What other alternative is there if the demand exists?

That’s why DRM is doomed to failure – because of the very supply versus demand principles that the western economy is based upon: The supply in this case is useless, but the demand is still there – so people (not me in this case, for I’m not at all like that) will try alternative means to obtain what they’re after.

It’s the same principle that whole countries are applying to AIDS vaccines and anti-retroviral drugs. The pharma companies won’t supply these life-saving drugs to countries that “can’t pay for them” and so the countries themselves say “screw that” and make their own.

In short, all that DRM says to me is that the companies producing the products that use them are  one thing over all else: Greedy.

Back in the days of yore, everyone and their dog was copying records onto tape and playing them. Did that send the music industry into a tailspin?

People were copying movies back in the 80s… did that send the movie companies to the wall?

Here’s a thing: I don’t think copying movies or CDs is a bad thing – I think it’s great for the artists involved because — like social networking — it has the potential to get even more people to view or listen to a piece of work.

But DRM and “Copy Protection” is all about the production company dinosaurs hanging onto outdated marketing and supply strategies. The world has moved into a new place, where information is open to all. When the companies finally do wise-up, they’ll jump on this bandwagon and will make a mint doing it.

But while they hang onto this idiotic selling model, based on a shortage principle (rather than the open “abundance” principle mentioned above) then yes, they will continue a slow downward spiral until hopefully someone in government will stand up to these idiots and say “no more” – you are not allowed to penalise customers for doing the right thing. You are not allowed to sue mums and dads for having a couple of copies of a movie on their computer – we shall call that henceforth “fair use”.

I hope it happens soon.



{January 3, 2009}   #223

I’m on the last day of housesitting and I’m on the couch at G & A’s place.

They have three cats. A kitten, a slighly older cat and an older cat again. Of the three, I like the oldest cat: she doesn’t bother me.

I’m resenting the kitten and the middle cat though. Really badly. I’m actually annoyed at them both and just want them to leave me the hell alone.

And I have absolutely no idea why.

This started when I got my cold on Friday. Car Accident, Cold. Go figure.

I just didn’t want them to be anywhere near me. Now I feel really irritated when they try to sit on me, bleat at me, and do all those things that cute cats do.

I miss my cat. She and I have an arrangement. I feed her and she hangs around. When we want to be around each other, we are and that’s fine by both of us.

I’m not doing any more housesitting this year, that’s for sure. Very bored with it.

This resentment toward two perfectly nice cats gives me pause for thought. I just can’t work-out where it’s coming from. I let the kitten sit on my lap earlier before finally feeling so weird about it that I had to lift him off and put him on the floor. I just didn’t want him on me, or anywhere near me.

Maybe it’s a secondary issue related to the car accident. Or I’m just not liking these cats.

Or perhaps it’s proof that I wouldn’t be any good with kids on a long-term.

Time will reveal what this actually is.



{December 31, 2008}   #222

It’s new years eve.

I’ve had a life-changing experience: A car accident where — if not for a single piece of metal across the door — I would not be here typing this post.

Things have changed; I am beginning a new way of looking at my life. I really have to now. I’ve got a second chance.

I’ll be starting with looking after myself, loving myself… And what will follow from that will be the self-confidence to stand up for what I believe in, for myself…

This is the year… everything changes ;)



{December 11, 2008}   #221

I call this haiku ‘internal disquiet’

Vegetarians
Should not find attractive the
Smell of KFC



{December 9, 2008}   Odd

So it’s two days since the event. General feeling is neutral. Just flat. Not looking forward to tomorrow, but if I can hope for the best, I might just get it. It will be hard, but as I’m prone to saying: nothing worthwhile is easy.

Time to eat my own dogfood perhaps?

Much thanks to good friends for their supper invite– helluva way to get a free feed mind you!

Looking forward to the end of this week.

Bring it on I say :)



{December 7, 2008}   The walk

I just went for a long walk. I ended up in Thornbury and my legs just stopped.

So I decided to sit down.

I took a picture but it wasn’t a good shot. C’est la vie.

I sat there, wth the tram tracks behind me, the sun on m fac and back uncomfortable yet firm against the pole.

And I waited.

I thought to myself ‘I need a break. I need something to grip against… Something to help me feel.’

Nothing eventuated. I stood and walked across the tracks — no trams in sight.

I waited to cross the road… a car passed, another. A gap in the sperodic traffic unfolded, and so did a bird. A honeyglider, who decided that my head was a good landing pad. It squawked twice, flapped around and was off again, narrowly missing being hit in mid-flight by a four-wheel drive . It survived the encounter far better than I would have and landed in a bush on the other side of the road.

I decided to take that as a sign, the ’something to grip against’ that I’d requested. I’ll leave cynicism out of this equation as it’s gotten me in more trouble than it’s worth.

Course, I should now go and wash my hair so I clean out anything that might have jumped-ship.

It’s fun, fun, fun in this house today.

As I walked back, I considered this event, and decided not to overanalyse it — another of my talents which I’m disposing of — and finally crossed the bridge at Meri Creek.

Looking down, I suddenly imagined myself jumping onto the edge and falling to the rocks below.

No, I thought. That would be too easy. Life’s for living.

Met the man next door – Richard in 96. English. Hope he didn’t hear me bawling my eyes out earlier. 

It looked like C was home — a 4wd that resembles hers is parked on the street. But alas, I’m alone once more.

Better get that shower.



{December 7, 2008}   Am I mad?

Mad…

Am I so socially unaware, so personally inept that my behaviour…

Sounds like something a parent tells their child. “Your behaviour…”

Am I a child?

What am I?

Loser?

Inept?

Unaware?

Crap?

Hopeless?

Inane?

Unaware?

Insane?

Worthless?

Unreasonable?

Idiotic?

Worthless?

Useless?

Nothing?

Alone?

Am I alone?

I thought this was the way to happiness. To be out there… Doing my own thing. My own Boss. Seeking out new things. Changeable. With someone who shared my beliefs…

Was I so short-sighted that mentally I regarded this as a relationship?

Is that why I’m so abysmally upset at this?

Alone again? 

Who am I?

My ego — the thing that might have protected me when I was younger is now causing me so much grief as to be…

Will I ever amount to anything? Succeed in my goals?

It would first help to define those. Goals I mean. Not to have someone else’s goals, but some of my own.

It would first help me to be my own person and not kowtow to others. 

Course, that’s the attitude that got me into this situation in the first place. 

So what do I want?

Do I want a house?

Do I want a car?

Do I want a lover?

Do I want to be a fighter?

Do I want to succeed in business? 

Do I want a million dollars?

Do I want a lifetime of happiness?

Do I want to travel?

WHAT DO I WANT?

I am Lisa Sinclair. I am 37 years old, going on 38.

I believe in myself.

I believe in myself

Not because no-one else will. Not because I am being stubborn. Not because I am succeeding to spite the people who held me down for so long (because I wasn’t prepared to commit and take care of myself).

I let them do this to me. Like I let this happen.

I, I, I am the problem. I believed. I trusted… 

.

.

.

So where do I go from here?

Jump off a bridge and start again?

Boring.

Leave a mark in my skin to remind myself of this awful day?

Swear to never to rely on another person as long as I live?

I have all these ideas which are just sitting here on my computers. All these amazing things I am going to do.

Have I done a single one of them?

When did I finish the book? 1 year ago.

When did I come up with the mac idea.

At least a year ago.

I’ve put everything on-hold for this business. EVERYTHING.

And now my business partner has turned around and said she doesn’t want to be with me in the business anymore.

I’m sick of her being “right”… but she is. 

I don’t have a good attitude to money. I relied on her to get things kicking along, because she’s the people-person.

That’s what I want: people skills.

I want to be able to chat with people, and to stop being so fucking afraid of everyone. I travelled around France and England. Alone. When I did get somewhere, I stuffed-it-up because I relied on someone else and decided to follow instead of looking out for me, not them.

Stop relying on others to show you the way Lisa. Rely on YOU. 

I am more than capable of building this business to a point where it’s making lots of money. I have enough smarts to get it going.

I got onto Centerlink to get NEIS. Time to resurrect Green Mac. That’s the business I will use as the test-ground for the information I need from NEIS. I can get a train-the-trainer certificate too. That means I can kick this along, while using Tall Poppy as the basis for my main income.

This is painful in the extreme. It hurts like I rarely do… It’s pain like I haven’t experienced in years. 

But.

But… it’s also freedom. I am free now to do what I like, when I like.

All I need is to get clients.

I can do that. 

R said she thought I was amazingly courageous to step out and make this business work.

C said I’m beautiful and caring and amazing.

.

Why does it hurt when people say things like that to me?



{December 7, 2008}   The writing is on the wall.

Truly. An hour and a half of writing hope. “hoping” to find some.

 

The writing on the wall

The writing on the wall

 

 

What can I learn from this event in my life?

Never to trust another soul?

I’m already too alone. That wouldnt help.

Never to get annoyed or angry at a business partner or partner or friend?

Also unreasonable.

Never to get angry and force issues home.

Perhaps that’s a bit more tenable a possibility.

I’m too sharp. Too dismissive and opinionated.

That’s what lost me my job at Insuranceline. And since I was at total burnout with Technical Writing, I had to try something else. My business was the logical thing.

I made the mistake of thinking that in order to make decisions we had to make them together.

This crippled me financially.

I made the mistake of believing that somehow the other person would come-through. Believing what they said was the truth… “I will do X but not now, once Y happens”.

This crippled me in the business. I was waiting or them to deliver.

I became frustrated because the other person wouldn’t do what I thought we had agreed to.  This led to resentment and disappointment, anger and frustration.

I was being held back because I expected someone else to follow-through on something.

And when I confronted the issue, I did it with guns blazing. I did it with forcefulness, because I was wronged. B ecause I was hurt. Because I was the victim. Because I was…

Because once-again, I had put myself in a situation where I was not in control of my own destiny. I was not in control of myself. I waited for them to come through. They had other things to worry about, had prioritised their own things. 

What have I learned?

Not to put myself at the mercy of someone else. 

To do things myself. My way. 

What’s that horrifying number? 80% of busineses fail in the first 5 years. 80% of those that survive fail in the next 5 years. That’s 2% total of businesses that survive 10 years or more. Who knows what the figures are from there.

My business partner has amazing contacts for the business she wants to set-up. It’s time I found some of my own. 

What I regert is that all our grand plans, all our good intentions have come to naught. Because I didn’t act on something soon enough for them.

Again, my future in the hands of someone else.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of holding back. I’m tired of being diplomatic and biting my tongue. I’m tired of being a victim. I’m tired of letting other people walk away from me. I’m tired of putting my energies into things tat don’t pay-off. I’m tired of feeling that other people owe me. 

Tired of it all.

Begone foul shades of the past. I am creating a positive and abundant short-term future. Onto which I shall build a positive and abundant long-term future.

You watch me run…



{December 7, 2008}   I, I, I, I am the problem…

A break momentarily from the normal numbering I use as this is a…watershed moment… well, the moment when the shed isn’t strong enough to hold the water at any rate. Maybe I’m thinking about a water tank?

Whatever.

The buiness I have worked on for the last year is now just me. My business partner — and friend — has decided se wants to leave. This makes me incredibly sad for all sorts of reasons.

Her reason is me.

She can’t work with me.

I’m not an entrepreneur like her… and I have emotional issues that she’s not prepared to work with anymore. She’s happy to be friends but not business partners.

I am so very saddened by this — I didn’t realise this was such an issue. She told me it was a problem some months ago, and I was truly going to get some help. I just didn’t have the money. I didn’t have the time.

To misquote the angel from Angels in America: I I I I I I am the problem.

Mood: dejected… but rallying.

I said some stupid things, trying to salvage this. I said some hurtful things when she reflected them back.

‘You’re creating your own reality,’ she said.

I’ve worked so hard and remained confident for so long that this comes as a… 

It hurts so very much.

It hurts more that she’s right.

I, I, I, I am the problem.

Again.

Will I ever learn?



{November 19, 2008}   #220

“industry standard”
Means it’s been around too long
Crappy old software



et cetera