Deep breath and sigh.

So here I am, lateish to work again, and bugged by something that’s beginning to raise its head out of my memories again.

It’s been a stressful 30 days or so; the move, the colonic (which was good, I highly recommend it; but it still took a fair bit out of me), 17 days straight of Bikram, arsehole ex-housemates refusing to pay rent on rent day, and announcing they had issues with my moving out a full 15 days after I did-so (fucking passive-aggressives!)…

All sorts of things have poked and prodded me, and now I’m sitting here in a bit of a blue funk (I won’t say the “D” word, because (a) it’s not that dark, and (b) even a whiff of that word has insurance companies running for the hills; never EVER say the “d” word to a doctor if you’re feeling a bit down or crappy btw!).

Where was I? Oh yeah.

So I have issues. Lots of them. Most of them sit quite deep and don’t bother me until a set of circumstances (see paragraph above) stress me out and then they start to bubble up, like  salmonella in a jar of food… bubbling… bubbling…

And now I’m here; had a good old scream in the shower when I realised what it was that had been bugging me. Don’t know what the neighbours might have thought, but in this new place, it’s not like they’re the other side of two panels of thin plaster and wooden-frame is it?

So I’m in a financial hole, thanks to the ex house-ies; I’ve contributed of course because I’m not particularly good at saving cash. I’m feeling fragile and really just want to stay at home, but can’t afford to and know that if I do that, I’ll just dig myself deeper.

I take responsibility easily…

One of the things that’s come out is the issue of confidence.

For various reasons which I won’t go into here (mainly because it would end-up as a rant about the past; boring) my confidence isn’t really as strong as it could be.

Having been diagnosed ADD last year helped with this somewhat (so, I’m not being deliberately thick, and I’m not an idiot; I just interpret things differently and at higher speed…) but every-so-often, I get to a point where the confidence falls into a gelatinous heap, spreading thinner and thinner and therefore vulnerable to anything that comes along; emails from a friend yesterday — which were in-fact not that bad — had me running for cover and trying to identify if she had a problem with me; she didn’t… we cleared it up… and I — as always — felt like a total idiot afterwards. This happens a lot. I interpret something as “A”, when it’s actually “B”. I wonder sometimes… I really do… but I just need to eat properly (protein, no sugar… oh damn. oh DAMN. I just realised what probably did this. IDIOT!!! I bought a vegan chocolate yesterday. And ate it yesterday. And here I am in the hole wondering why I feel like crap.

IDIOT

IDIOT

IDIOT

IDIOT

IDIOT

IDIOT

<sigh>

Anyway, where was I?

Identifying the origins — within myself — of this issue were easy; being regularly undermined by parental figures who refused to believe my reasons for things, and repeated denials that when “A” happened, I didn’t do “B” as they were insisting… well, these took their toll after, what was it, 20 years of regular (though not constant; that would be unfair) disbelief, yelling and oppression.

I’m much better than I was. My mind would like me to be able to dump it all, but it’s difficult. It’s not like throwing it all in a box and putting it out on the path for the rubbish collectors to pick-up and take away.

And seeing as I’ve just performed the purge of my life, ditching clothes, furniture, rugs, pictures, and burning a set of diaries from a period of my life which was uber stressful, it’s a little frustrating to find there’s *still* crap left behind.

No, not frustrating, boring. Really boring. I’ve been over this stuff before. I thought I dealt with it. It feels like one of those really manipulative ex-friends you might have managed to dump 2 years ago, suddenly turning up on the doorstep wanting to chat and continue the relationship… it’s actually like my father continually and relentlessly emailing my address and not taking “no” for an answer (just like he always did… never met anyone in my life who just wouldn’t leave things alone, he just had to have his own way… bizarre).

So here I am… Deep breath Lisa, smile (rueful)… breathe in, breathe out.